Honestly, thank you. For taking the time to listen/read my brain melt and to leave your supportive comments.
You are all right, to some degree and after a phone call from a longtime blog & real life friend (and psychologist) I feel like someone got where I was coming from.
Lynda mentioned that she detected I live a double life. One on here and the other behind the scenes. Well not really.
I have one life - it is extra ordinarily busy, the way I like it. When I'm down, I simply don't usually have the energy or inclination to get on and write about it. It's not a clear act of "Better not show that I'm human" and it certainly isn't a way of displaying a happy perfect life. I've never claimed that. It's the same with Facebook, I could get on daily and write "I'm tired" "My hormones are acting up", I haven't eaten in two days and I'm sad about that" but honestly, who wants to read that?
Facebook, where alot of my friends read about my life, is an instant "I'm doing this right now" thing for me whereas this is more a reflective diary. I can see how reading my facebook statuses would constitute thoughts of "when does she ever slow down?".
Taking it back to basics (I know I do not owe anyone a breakdown of my life or reasons for doing things I'm doing) I work but not fulltime. This leaves me time to do little things like my little side hobbies.
The problems started when they asked me to work 6 days a week, with 1-2 support staff in a business that is inside a mall with 7 day a week trading and one closed day a year. Long hours + certain conditions that go against my work ethic + other factors leave me with no time for my children, life or anything that makes me happy. Let alone time to help my husband build a business that we've invested alot of money in.
So yes, I do alot of varied activities outside of my family (little girls birthday parties, waxing and nails, work + social activities) but it has all fitted together perfectly til now. It has all been balanced. It has all made me very happy to have little peices of things I love sparking my creative side.
My band has caused problems with swallowing my tablets on occassion and this includes my thyroid tabs. When I'm off them for 2 days or more it screws with my emotions big time. I've had bouts off them lately. Why couldn't I see that is a peice of the puzzle last night? Who knows.
When Master 2.5yrs is off colour (2 yr old molars, boredom, recent sickness) our sleep is broken and combined with late nights, it's messed with my head. During post natal, I knew, without a doubt, that sleep was my number one fixer. The thing that made me 70% on the road to recovery and I'm just not getting that sleep.
So today, after talk to the sensible, smart and non judgemental friend, she helped me realise that I need to feel these feelings - not talk myself out of them and label my actions etc. But to slowly put things into perspective and slowly tackle away at things.
Mr Bandit is going to smoke and logically I know as well as anyone else that he is doing it for a reason and there is nothing I can do or say to stop him. I'm just angry it affects me. Hey, being ridiculously fat affects him. I know that.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is - yes my life is busy. Yes I need to pull back on a few things until I can see clearly again. No I'm not living a staged life with a happy, energetic life for the public and something different behind the scenes. That would imply that I cover up feelings of sadness with sunshine and roses. Wrong. What I feel, I write. I just don't feel like being a sad sob and complaining about shit so I write about nothing. I don't always update on those days or those moments. That's nt leading two lives, it's conciously choosing to not share misery or my every thought with the world, especially when I have no real idea why I'm feeling this way and there are people much worse off.
Life goes on and I know this too, shall pass.
Thank you all again. There were some gems of advice in all your comments.
Hi gorgeous!
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12 comments:
I absolutely get where you're coming from. The way I see it, you're setting some clear(er) boundaries (around suitable work hours, treatment of staff, the fags etc) and that can only be a good thing.
Sadly, I also get the mess thing!
You seriuosly have one of the most beautiful souls Bec, to share such personal emotiongs with all of us and for all you know your words could be helping someone else out there in Blog land that is struggling with the same issues.
You should be so proud of yourself, you are giving up so much to better your family life....you are a very strong woman.
Kristy xxx
No, thank you for being brave enough to share the good with the bad. The point about 'two lives' is an important one as even if you don't have two different lives there is sometimes a tendency with these kind of formats (blogs/facebook/twitter) to present a contructed reality of 'always happy' lives. How great and refreshing that you were and are willing to put the more difficult things out there, meaning that you get support and encouragement and so that others can relate and feel that they're not alone if feeling like it has all gone to shit.
Wishing you all the best in restoring balance, order, calm and joy to your life.
Kcasey
Just catching up on your past two posts. Totally get where you're coming from with the perception of "two lives" - sometimes you want to vent but sometimes putting it all out there is not the most helpful thing to do and you just want to try and focus on the positives. Hope you're hanging in there comrade!
Hello again - sorry if you misunderstood my "two lives" comment. You did answer that perfectly though and I do exactly the same thing. I hate to put negatativity on Facebook so people around me too think that my life is always up and dandy! I did not mean that you live your "public happy face" and you "private sad face"... I meant that you like me and everyone else have moments of sadness, depression, anger, tiredness etc etc ie, we are human. None of us usually tell the world about this on a daily basis.
I'm so glad you've cleared your head a little and are looking at the priorities like medication and sleep! I'm sure Mr Bandit is also a little stressed with the new business as well. Maybe when things settle all around then the smoking might stop again too :)
ohMiGod - I can SO relate to what you are saying! Hope things start to settle for you soon :)
Hey You. Glad you have some awesome friends to support you. And it sounds like you have a good process to use when stuff gets too much. Trust in that. You will get there.
sorry to hear things have been so out of kilter for you - I hear you. I am really glad your friend was there to help gain a bit more insight into what sounds like a very stressful time for you. good luck with sorting it all out & gaining that happy balance back into your life. (((hugs)))
I like how you've thought things through and have pinpointed areas that need changing to make you feel better. I find that being a Mum,wife,worker and a creative person means we wear lots of different hats. When you think about it, us women are so many things to many around us. Look after yourself and trust your instincts you're doing great.
Bec, your way with words is amazing. I know where your coming from, to put sadness, depression, anger and so on in words day after day just bring you down more. I hope things start to settle down and you get the sleep and rest you need. Your a wonderful person!!!
Kym/Brisbane
HI... missed all the ho haa ... hope all is well with you and things settle down ... good post too!
Like you, I don't share all the misery and angst on my blog... just SOMETIMES I do have a moan.
Hugs to you Bec... I totally understand where you are coming from... the smoking thing... well yeah I understand that too but its me that is smoking... :o( currently working on kicking that disgusting habit for good...
Kids.. now thats another story... imagine how I felt yesterday getting a phone call from my ex husband when I was out the back of no where enjoying my day out on the bike asking me..where are you... are you able to come and talk about Nathan.. son age 13.... I explained where I was and he then told me our son has been seeing the school counciller and has been looking at ways to kill himself... imagine how I felt then... I also need to get my life into gear.. how the fk did I not see how my son was feeling.. (the school has not contacted us!! it all came out after the ex did his Nut at Nath for leaving the freezer door open all night)
Life is tough sometimes..and no we dont FB about all the bad shit...
Plz take care and know you are not alone.. and yes. My house is a mess too..:o( (as is my life it seems)
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