I've fallen and I can't reach my brain.
I've hit a bit of a speedbbump, mentally and I've got big decisions to make regarding working for the Childrens shop and balancing my life a bit more.
I'm the type of woman who thrives when my environment is great but since having babies and rotten bouts of Post Natal Depression I fall in a heap quickly when my environment is toxic, unsettled or when I take too much on my shoulders.
Now those that know me, know I live a FULL life. I love being busy. I love actually living my life because to sit in an office and watch the world go by would kill everything inside me.
My busy life isn't the problem. Saying no to people inside those journeys IS a big problem for me. "I'll do that for you, sure".. "Yes, I'll come in on my day off and do x, y, z. and shall I bring in my 5 yr old that only had today to spend with me alone?".
My mental health is not good right now. I'm not in a good place. I'm a little resentful (rarely a word uttered from my mouth) of work upping my hours in order for me to sack two staff members (who needed the work) just because my sales are higher (which isn't exactly true) . I understand it's business but the pressure (on my family and staff and myself) is really piling up on my shoulders.
I gave my resignation today. I just can't stop crying.
I'm angry at the mess our home has become. It is completely indicative of the state of my mind. Disorganised, shit everywhere and it's somewhere I just don't want to be right now but seems insurmountable. I don't even know where to start let alone have the time to do it.
All I want to do is get out and walk but something keeps holding me back. Its like I just want to be safe and secure in my home and not get out recently but then home is crushing me.
Our youngest, Master 2.5 has been difficult from birth. Sleeps brilliantly but wakes like a screaming banshee. Can you imagine being woken from a deep sleep to hear "ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" ? My baby has NO volume switch and I just need silence right now. I can't handle the noise. I can't handle the way he hurts Master 5. A sweet natured, gentle soul who constantly gets into trouble for Master 2.5s actions. It breaks my heart.
Beautiful Master 5 is off to school next year and recent shift changes at work mean I haven't gotten to go to a few of his transition days (I went to the first, I know that was important), and that makes me feel so guilty and sad.
Mr Bandit, has been an absolute saint not to up and leave me in the past month. I have been an utter horror to live with. He's decided to take up smoking again (yeah, what the fuck?) and my stance on the matter is "You smoke - I withdraw sex, kissing & affection". He continues to smoke so I take that as a direct "Fuck you!". I know it isn't personal but tell that to my feelings.
He has been supportive of me (god, who'd run our life on the days when I don't get home til 6pm?) but the understanding just isn't there. I suppose I don't deserve it after being such a rotten wife.
I just want to throw everything we own in the bin. I need clean. I need space and I need silence.
Hi gorgeous!
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20 comments:
Gosh you had a HUGE day! And you still find the time to be so wonderful to others :)
The worst is over, things will start looking up soon. It's always tough resigning!
((Hugs))
I feel your pain. My life has been a trainwreck of late so I am not one to give advice but I will say try to be kind to yourself. We are not superwomen.
This is the start of a new beginning. Another fork in the journey. Hope it gets better beautiful.
xxxxx
You are more than welcome to come up babe. Its not the cleanest place on earth (cause I have no time to clean and I hoard everything!) but Jase and I are at work during the day (and for me half the night)
MIL tends to mind her own and just watch TV (Although you will hear that in the next suburb cause she's deaf) Or goes out and about so you would pretty much have the place to yourself.
It would be a pleasure.
Sending many many many hugs and kisses and wishing I could physically get there and wrap my arms around your neck for big bear hugs.
xoxoxox
keeping you in my dearest of thoughts. this too shall pass! i know it's easier said than done...but i have faith in you (and your family) to move pass this and to arrive at a brighter place.
xxoo
tanisha
Oh you poor soul! I've had days (weeks) like that where everything just seems too hard. I know I only see what you choose to put up here but your life does seem really, really busy. Maybe you just need to be kinder to yourself for awhile? Could you get in a spring cleaning team? Even if its a few trusted friends. The smoking thing will sort itself in time. Its got to come from him. In the meantime you might as well get some of what makes you feel good!!!!
Take care. Hope it improves soon.
You are describing real life. It ain't pretty all the time and sometimes it is shit. You are doing too much though. I read how much you do and I just don't understand how you function... clearly you are not. Don't throw in the towel on your wonderful life - that is not the answer. Yes, you like to be busy but there is a balance and you don't have that.
I detect you live two lives, the one we see publicly and the other one. (We all lead two lives) Please take stock of the good in your life, stuff work - your family is where you need to do your best work now. Get help if you need it, however you need it - good luck *hugs*
Well you know me - I need to have a plan - and so I tend to suggest everyone else has one too. I find that with a plan I can bring some structure and order into my life - doesn't mean I can't be as spontaneous as all hell and do things at the drop of a hat - but having a plan for the routine bits of my life allows me to run amok in the rest of it. You poor thing you sound to be totally overwhelmed - classic signs of stress - trying to be all things for all people when half the time they're causing their own problems and why in the hell would you need to fix it! Back to basics time for you I think - what's really important in your life - I know the answer - and so do you - so starting with you since you are No 1 in your life (or should be) - think of one - just one thing you can change to improve life for you right now (actually think your resignation might have been a really good start) then think of the other things/people and for each of them just do one single thing for them. A tiny bit at a time - give yourself time to regroup and consider what lessons you can take on board after finding yourself where you are now - what can you do differently in the future - it's never ever too late to decide to do things differently. And last of all be gentle with yourself - you're a woman - just one woman - a special one - but not ten women!!! so stop trying to act like you were. Email me if you want - Love Zxx
Hey beautiful girl. Been there, done that. I have no solution because I am currently out of action from 8am to 10pm 4 days a week because of my inability to say no. I will be watching your comments for solutions too. It definitely seems like you have lots of distinct problems that you shouldn't be bundling into one. Mr 2.5 may need the help of a child therapist - why is he waking like that? Big B will be fine. He is craving school right now and we get parents who don't turn up to ANY transition days and the kids are just fine. The school understands that parents are busy people. Mr Bandit may be smoking to cope with the stress. Let him. You made the decision to stop smoking, but there were people that stood by you when you did, because they loved you, regardless. I eat when I am stressed. He smokes. Tomato/tomatoe. They are both life threatening in their own way. When you feel cleansed mentally and physically, he might not need that crutch.
Just my rambling, ring me if you need to. Or better still, visit. I will have the boys for the night (all 3 of them if need be) and you can be.........quiet.
Love you - hugs xox
It must have been a very difficult decision to quit your job BUT now that you have, you can take the time to regroup yourself and your family and get things in order again without the pressure of a demanding job.
Don't beat yourself up about things that you cannot change eg missing a couple of transition days at school, he will be fine & he will settle in fine, in fact, if he is like most bright wee kids his age, he is so ready for it it is not funny.
Take some time for yourself, put the younger one in daycare fora few hours a week so he has that interaction with kids his own age and you get some time out.
As for hubby, he knows how much you hate him smoking, I suspect it is his way he feels he has some control over anything at the moment, talk to him, tell him how much you love him & how much his smoking worries you for his health & that of the boys.
You will pull yourself out of this again, I know you will, it will take time & effort but you are worth it & you can do it.
I can understand everyone wanting a part of Bec, who wouldn't your amazing!!! A true inspiration to us all! Take time for yourself, if I could have half your gusto and talent I would feel blessed.
Kym/Brisbane
Wow, it seems like everything has just fallen at the same time. Work sounds awful....so you handed in your resignation? Thats surely a plus!! How much longer do you have there?
It sucks that your hubby is smoking....I know the feeling. My bf does too and its DISGUSTING. I refuse to kiss him when he smokes.
I hope you get a break soon. Is it possible to call up a girlfriend and go for a long coffee to get out of the house? Sounds like you need a break.
Hope things work out xx
Oh dude, I can totally relate to like 75% of your post. Totally.
XOXO
Breathe my dear. You are single handedly one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of "getting to know" on line. You are determined, you don't settle and you have a flair for life. Today is one of those days you are being challenged to the maximum, big and little, everything feels so insurmountable. Take today minute by minute, break all things into 15 minute pieces. Don't look at the big picture. You will get it done. Be patient with yourself and keep living life on your terms.. xoxoxox
Big big hugs!
You know that things can get hectic when you're doing so many things and sometimes the best thing to do is really just to step back and not take on so much! You're not Wonder Woman! (I mean you are a wonder(ful) woman but you're not THE WonderWoman! You know.... unless you have that lasso and an invisible aeroplane (which you might have!). Anyway, sometimes things just need re-setting. xx
i understand how you feel with when your mind is all over the place alot of things get to you. the houseworks falls to the side because you feel "whats the point??" the kids & husband are just going to to mess it up again. I feel when i am restless i have a very short fuse and the kids & husband usually cop it. i feel guilty i take it out on them but they are there to love us unconditionally no matter our moods. i hope it all works out and you find some balance in your life. please remember alot of people out there are in the same boat but not many voice their concerns/opinions. chin up xxx
Not being a parent I am not 100% sure about what to say, but HIG HUGS and I wish I could do more. I know for me when it gets too much I just have to act now.....otherwise I would stew and as you said become toxic.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so overwhelmed of late.I may not understand your situation completely...but surely can relate to that overwhelmed feeling where everything seems to be chaotic, and you feel like you are being smothered or drowned by the pressures put on you. I also have trouble saying no....but as my children continue to grow in the blink of an eye...I am getting better at saying no....because of the realisation that my babies won't be here forever.....but work will be!! Enjoy your children, work enough so that you're not bored, but also not stressed, and love your hubby whether he smokes or not......he obviously adores you...and why wouldn't he....your bloody gorgeous!
I hear you xxxxxx
My youngest is now 9. I love my kids to bits. But I'd never go back to the days when my depression was bad and the kids were full on. Hang in there Beckie it does get easier. I think you did the right thing resigning. You need rest and time to regroup. Take care.
Take care - great reading the comments left for you. You've already recognised your problem area - giving too much to others. You said you want to get out and walk, and I believe you've got to do it for yourself. Take it from a person who is exercising regularly again after hitting rock bottom recently - just start a plan that fits with this week and move forward from there, *hugs*. Great things will happen! Cheers Glenys
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xox