It's 2 in the morning and I just came home from an engagement & 21st party. It was brilliant.
Throughout the night I had a couple of people ask me about my operation. I had two men and a woman who said....
"Why one earth do you need to have lap banding?"
"Err cause I'm the best part of 120kgs and I...."
"FUCK OFF YOU ARE!" "As if" "Where the hell are you keeping it?"
"You're beautiful. Don't change just because society says you need to be stick thin"
"I'm not doing it for that, I'm doing it for health reasons"
This conversation went round and round and they just didn't see why I needed it. Trust me, that's flattering as hell but you cannot be that blind that you don't see a woman who needs it.
So back to feelings. Outside of the party a woman asked me how I was feeling. "Great" I replied. "No darlin' how you ~really~ feelin?"
I stopped for about 15 seconds. Not for dramatic pause but to see if I actually felt something different to what I've been feeling the last couple of days. I started feeling dread. Wondering if I would need to give my boys and extra big hug tomorrow. Worried it would be the last time I saw them. It was revolting to feel and think like that and the top of my chest turned into a knot.
So right now, hours later, sitting in my office - what do I feel?
- Pulsating feet from dancing all night.
- tiredness.
- positiveness.
- apprehension.
- fear of that horrible needle they put in your hand.
I am completely packed for my stay in hospital. Loose singlet top rather than a bra. Tracksuit pants and comfortable clothes.
Look, I'm rambling but just wanted to pop in and leave a little account of my beforehand state of mind.
Time to put these feet up. The pain is unbearable.
Good night.
P.S. To all of you who have left comments recently, smsed and even dropped round to my house with a bunch of flowers (you stunning woman!), thank you. I love that you are along this journey with me. It's fantastic being able to bounce my thoughts off other people and have your thoughts bounce back.
Goodnight again!
*kisses*
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15 comments:
All the best, and looking forward to following this next stage in your life :-)
You're right - this isn't about looks - it's about health.
In the photo's you put up the other day you were rocking your clothes and looked the epitome of confidence.
But like me you have kids and we need to be there for them.
It's a big responsibility - but strangely it has finally given me the motivation that I needed to step up and finally do something.
You should be so proud of yourself :-)
Will be thinking of you lovely. Come and tell us all about it when you feel up to it. I'm so excited for you for everything you're going to gain (while you are losing, afterwards!). xox
Not long now. We will all be anxiously waiting to hear news. Good luck, relax and enjoy this life changing event; we will see you on the other side of the banding xxx
Hugs Miss Bandit, hope you got some sleep and that your feet are back to normal....
It is interesting when people don't get that you are doing this to extend your life, or to give you much better health.
For me, although I was FAT I was still healthy blood work wise etc, but i was so close to sliding down that slippery slope.
I applaud you for taking control of your life and setting up a wonderful live for "The Bandit Family"
Oh & the little thing they put in your arm only hurts for a couple of mins- I promise!!!
I know we've "only" been internet friends for a few years now, but I just want to say I love you and I'm cheering for you from the other side of the planet! Lots of hugs to you and the family. :)
Its all going to go to plan gorgeous. Youll be in and out in no time and then you can get on with becoming the healthy mummy you want and deserve to be. Loads of love xoxo
All the best for the coming week Beck. I'll be thinking of you. Your such a gorgeous generous person. I am lucky to know you over the net, in real life someday I hope. Take care!
Kym
We all go though this before the op. I got really teary when I had to leave my Mum and go into pre-op. I went though the whole.... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!
You will be fine!
Big hugs for you beautiful lady. It must be such a stressful time, I cannot even imagine.
I hope you get the health results you are seeking from this procedure.
Safe travels to the next stage of your journey, you'll be fine, love will see you thru this, and you will be be ok,
love and kisses xxx
Good luck!!!!!! Thinking of you x
best of luck for the Op, look forward to hearing from you when you feel up to it
Hey babe good luck for today will be thinking of you. Can't wait to hear how it went xx
I was away all weekend. Field trip to a tiny little church in 2.150 m altitude for my girlfriends wedding. My girlfriend of 24 years :)
Its a bit before midnight here which means you are most probably just a bit before the procedure!!!
I just closed my eyes and breathed deep. And had this image of you, on skinny jeans, the hems rolled a couple of times, barefoot with red toe nails, and a fitted white tshirt tacked in nicely. You are holding a water hose and spraying your boys and man. Boy are they drenched in water!!! And woman... you are laughing SO hard!!!
And Beckster... You look fantastic!!!!
I will hold to this image of lively and healthy gorgeous you while I await for news on how you are feeling.
Love and sweet recovery precious!!!
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